Gauge loves to give advice,  no matter how questionable it might be.  

Discalimer:  For Entertainment purposes only, advice is not intended to help solve problems and may actually create more.

 

Dear Gaaaauge!
Someone stuffed a cactus down my pants! What do I do?! D=

Dear Pickypants,

DONT SIT DOWN! First of all, remain calm. That is the most important thing. Second, slowly remove the cactus from your pants and examine the plant for signs of poisonous tarantulas. If tarantulas are found, remove venomous fangs and prepare a spicy maranade. Cut open cactus and marinate for 3 hours until spiders are drownded. Grill over fire for 20 minutes and enjoy with potatoes.

~Gauge.

Dear Gauge,
I've been wanting a signifigant other for awhile now and I can't seem to get anyone's attention. How do I know if someone is interested or get someone interested in me?
by


Dear Pink-Haired Ninja,

The only way youre gonna meet the right guy is to simply ask every guy you meet if they think youre do-able. I'm not just talking guys in your school, at work, etc. I mean that creepy pedophile at the donut shop... The policeman that directs traffic down by the corner... The bum sleeping in the dumpster behind the liquor store... If you're not THAT ugly, someone is BOUND to say yes! My next suggestion would be to dress really sexy and make video of yourself eating something really gross, then post it on YouTube. Guys dig chicks that do gross stuff!

~Gauge


Dear Gauge,
I have been having a terrible problem with writers block lately. Nothing I do seems to help. What can you suggest?
thanks
Stumped

Dear Stupid... i mean Stumped

That sounds really painful! It can also be very embarassing. Here's my advice. Go to the nearest pharmacy and ask for a medicine that will help with your particular problem. I've had this happen before, and i was blocked up for days! When it was over I was so relieved! Ive heard eating foods that are low in calcium will help with it. Also, try eating more dairy. Youre be regular again before you know it!

~Gauge


Dear Gauge,

someone I know is in love with a completely fictional character just because she has a ninja fetish. how do I stop them and make them see sense?
Pirate Lover


Dear Pirate Lover,

Invite your friend over for a fake Ninja Ramen party. Tell her youre gonna watch her favorite ninja series from start to finish.

Get yourself a Ninja sword, and a ninja costume, particularly one like that of her favorite character/crush. Turn off all the lights in your house right before she comes over and hide up in a dark corner. When she walks into the house, ATTACK! Slice off one of her arms. (you really only need one anyway! Look at me!)

See if she still likes him, or ninjas AT ALL afterwards! XD

~Gauge

Dear Gauge,

Where do Babies come from?

Dear Babycakes,

Babies come from a daddy and a mommy. When mommy is nekkid, daddy will use his magic wand to fill mommy's deep dark forrest with baby potion. Many cries of happiness are heard. The baby potion finds it's way to the holy circle of light and enters. The baby grows inside of the mommy's circle of light for many once upon a times, causing mommy to have to use the private throne often Then, when the baby is big enough, he will find his way out of the deep dark forrest and into this world!

: D
~Gauge